The Life Of Leslie

I am adopted.

I love my parents with all of my heart. They have provided me with love, support, a home, food, clothing, and basically anything I've ever asked them for. They are my parents as far as I am concerned - there's no if's, and's or but's about it. I also have an older brother, who was also adopted, and a younger sister who is biological to my parents.

I have always known that I was adopted. I can't picture what my life would be if I hadn't been, however, there has always been a part of me that is scarred from the trauma of being adopted.
For people who are not adopted, this is a very hard emotion to explain, so I shall do my best.

Babies, during childbirth, go through a traumatizing experience. Passing through the birth canal from a place where they've grown and lived for 9 months is an experience in itself. There can be difficult labors, problems during pushing, and there can be emergency c-sections, due to a baby's heart rate being too high, umbilicol cord around the neck...and a million other possibilities.

Babies bond with their mothers in the first 15 minutes of their lives. Newborns out of the womb, when placed on their mother's stomach have been known to actually inch up their mother's bodies towards their breasts & hearts to get to that comfort level that they have been used to for 9 months.

For a hundred different reasons, babies are given up for adoption every single day. Usually, it is in the best intent for the child. However, when the baby is given up for adoption, there is the lack of bonding with the mother that has been caring for them for 9 months. The child, although, usually going to somwhere where he/she will be loved unconditionally, cannot find that bond, that instant where there is that connection. This, is trauma #2.

Trauma #3 in adoption stories comes from the relinquishment of the child. The birth mother has signed the rights over the child over to the CAS, and then in the blink of an eye, is gone. The baby, for a day, for a week, a month, year, years, has no one. There is no love, no connection, no bond, nothing. There is the lack of the mother's milk. There is the lack of the mother's voice that the baby has been hearing for 9 months. There is the lack of someone holding that baby throughout the day, throughout the night.

These traumas, although no one quite remembers them, are always with adoptees. They are a subconcious memory wayyy back in the mind.

I, being an individual who is emotional, loving, caring, thoughtful, sometimes suffers from these traumatic experiences. Throughout my life thus far, I have encountered events that trigger these memories that sit in my 26 year old mind.

My most recent experience is with the birth of my older brother's son - my nephew. I, being excited for my brother, announced the arrival of my nephew Karson, on my Facebook status. I was proud of my brother and sister in law for doing so well with the birth of their 2nd child, and was estatic that I was going to be able to go and see them at the hospital, as I was unable to get to the birth of their daughter, my niece, Jayda. My brother and I exchanged some words that unfortunately triggered some of my old emotions.

After 3 hours of crying so hard I could barely see, talking to my mom, my dad, my little sister, my boyfriend Ryan, I fell asleep wondering why the exchanged words hurt so deep, when if I were a stronger emotional person, they would have rolled off my back.

Upon going to the hospital today to meet my new nephew, I couldn't help but wonder if these past traumatic experiences were why I was so upset.

My brother, took his newborn son, not even 2 days old yet, and swaddled him in 2 blankets to keep him from being cold in the room that was perfect temperature. I stared down at this tiny little baby boy, my heart melting from his gorgeous little face, perfect fingers, abundant dark hair, and watching him "look around" at his new surroundings. As I stared at Baby Karson, I thought to myself two things. 1: How in the world, could anyone, anyone give up something so beautiful, amazing, sweet, innocent? and 2: Thank GOD that I have parents who love me unconditionally. I am their daughter through & through. From my mom's sense of humor and full hearted love, to my Dad's caring & thoughtfulness with putting other's first.

Of course, I am grateful daily for the choice my birth mother made 26 years ago. I was adopted by 2 of the most loving parents this world will ever know. I have a brother & sister who are remarkable in each of their own ways, and whom I look up to in many ways. I have a beautiful neice, and an adorable nephew to whom I will strive to be the absolute best aunt in the world to.

All of my experiences have made me into the woman that I am today. My boyfriend Ryan has stuck by me through & through...encouraging me in every way possible. He's amazingly supportive, and I would not be the Leslie I am, without him. Ryan, I love you, whole heartedly, unconditionally, and to quote the song "I'll love you till the end".

For all that I am today, I know that I will experience these feelings my whole life, until that one day when I stare down at my own son or daughter and know that I will ensure that they too, will have the life that my parents have given me. That my love will get them through any hard times...just like my parents, brother, sister, Ryan have done for me.